you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
