We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
