I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
