I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
