my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
