Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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