He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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