I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
