I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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