im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
