So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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