new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
