Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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