And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I currently don't understand fingers.
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