shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
