I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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