Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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