Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
