bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
