I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sober January is a disaster.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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