FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
