I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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