I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
