god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
