Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
