I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
