you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
