he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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