apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
