i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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