I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
