you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
