I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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