After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Randomize
