Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
