he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Everclear isn't food dammit
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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