Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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