I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
