she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
