Me. At least after what I've been through.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
