I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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