Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
