they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
