hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
