He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
