why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
