good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
