I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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