youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
