Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
