He disabled his match.com account in front of me
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
