my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
