I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Someone shattered a urinal.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
